I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My feet surprised me
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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