I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
