So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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