its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
