that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
the condom got lost in my hair
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
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