margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
