dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
