i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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