I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
