I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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