You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
