From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
