How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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