If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
