Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
This couple is walking their pig around campus
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
