my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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