Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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