The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
