I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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