The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
