Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
