Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It's shark week go big or go home
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
