i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I need moral support for this bender
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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