dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
