I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
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