she woke up with a sticky ear
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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