I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
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Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
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I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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