hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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