A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
