Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
