Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
