you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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