Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
The maid of honor just puked.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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