She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
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