This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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