after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
