thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Is Oprah even human
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
