Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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