Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
