Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
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At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
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I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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