life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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