i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
