my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
why do cheetos always look like penises
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
