she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
