I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
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She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
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Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date