yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
