Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
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