Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
