My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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