did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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