I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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