Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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