Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
