You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
