I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I think I have vodka in my lungs
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
