True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
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