I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
