Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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