dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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