He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
