I'm so fucking centered right now
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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