Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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